The Sciencing of the Science
by geckobubbles
Summary: Things occur, and that leads to stuff happening. This is a crackfic by the way. It contains stuff, like profanity and weird intentional out of characterness.


It was very dark in space. Since space is a rather dark place. And also cold. But in this cold dark place, there were robots. One such robot was named Wheatley. There was also one called Space Core. Plus, despite what people occasionally seem to think and stuff, another one was there too. This one was called Adventure Core or Sphere or whatever. Although he does call himself Rick. You know what, I'll just call him Rick. It's easier.

Anyway, these three were all floating around in space. And suddenly, they were falling back towards Earth, despite the fact that they had all been orbiting the moon and were all rather far away from Earth. They all somehow happened to land right back to the land of science and stuff from which they came. They crashed through stuff and landed in a room. Said room happened to be the room where GLaDOS was.

She had been vivisecting Spiderman when they crashed into the room. The sound of three things falling from the sky and landing in there was rather surprising, and that led to her moving the surgery knife thing in a way she didn't mean to. Spiderman screamed very loudly, but she didn't really care.

"...what the fuck are you doing here?" GLaDOS asked Wheatley, not really caring much about the other two cores that had landed there.

Wheatley would have been extremely terrified if it weren't for the fact that he was completely hammered, despite the fact that he has no way to actually get drunk. "How the fuck should I know?" he said in a slurred drunken voice.

"This is not space. I demand to be returned to space," Space Core said, in a very manly sounding voice.

"Back in this place, huh? Are there any old ladies here? I want to go beat up an old lady! And run around in her old lady clothes too!" said Rick.

GLaDOS then proceeded to throw all three of them into the room full of screaming robots, and then continued to vivisect Spiderman.

The room full of screaming robots was very screamy. And also full of robots. Which were screaming a lot for some reason. It had been hours since the three were thrown in there, and Wheatley was very hung over right now. The screaming was very unpleasant for him. Considering it was very loud. And screamy. He could hear the two other cores saying stuff too, but he had a hard time figuring out what they were saying over all the screaming.

And then, suddenly, there was a turret. Just sitting right in front of him for some reason. Staring. Staringly. And stuff.

Wheatley sighed. "What do you want?" He was very hung over right now, and he was rather annoyed and stuff.

"Hello," it said, like turrets often do. Usually before shooting the crap out of someone. This one wasn't shooting the crap out of anything right now, however, which was probably a good thing.

There was a silence for a moment. Except it wasn't a very silent silence, because there was still a lot of screaming. And stuff.

The turret then proceeded to break that silence. "I'm gonna need long fall boots, because I'm falling for you."

"What?"

The turret was now winking at him. It looked like blinking due to it only having one eye, but he could tell that it was winking. Actually, it didn't even have eyelids, so it shouldn't have even been able to do that. But it could. Somehow.

Suddenly, something fell from somewhere and landed on the turret, which fell over due to having something fall on it.

"Call me later!" it said before deactivating.

The three cores then noticed the thing that fell from wherever it fell. And said thing was another core. This particular core was the Fact Sphere, and it was on fire right now for some reason.

"The Fact Sphere is in extreme fucking pain right now," it said while being on fire.

It then suddenly stopped being on fire. The cause of the suddenly not being on fire was as mysterious as the cause of the suddenly being on fire.

"Pants were invented by sailors because Poseidon didn't want to see their fucking dicks or some shit like that."

"You and all your fancy facts and shit!" Rick said, "You're like an old lady! Only good for beating up!" He then punched the Fact Sphere in the face, despite not having fists.

It stared at him for a moment, and then narrowed its eye thing. "The Fact Sphere is going to kick the Adventure Sphere's fucking ass."

It then proceeded to kick Rick in the crotch. Despite the Fact Sphere not having feet, and Rick not having a crotch.

Rick was now rolling around on the floor, clutching his crotch in pain, despite the fact that he didn't have a crotch or anything to clutch it with, and shouldn't actually be in pain right now. The Fact Sphere was beating him up while he was down, despite not having anything to beat him up with.

"This has nothing to do with space. We will now speak of space, and participate in activities related to space," said the Space Core, who was uninterested in watching how the Fact Sphere truly was kicking Rick's ass.

Wheatley's hangover induced headache was getting worse from all the yelling and stuff, despite the fact that it should have already been that bad, considering how the room was full of screaming robots. "Ugh, can everyone just shut up?"

"No. We will continue to speak, and the subject shall be space."

Wheatley really wanted to go to a dark, quiet place right now. It didn't occur to him to just turn off his sound and sight sensing stuff, due to him being frustrated. And also a moron. "Alright, no one's shutting up. So why don't we spend this time not spent shutting up to come up with a plan to get out of here? And maybe go somewhere more quiet?"

The Fact Sphere and Rick weren't paying attention to him at all, as one of them was beating the other up, and the other was being beaten up.

The Space Core, however, was. "Yes. We shall leave this place, and return to the glorious void of space."

"...right." He didn't actually want to go back to space, but letting Space Core think that for now was the best way to get it to do stuff. "So, how are we getting out of here?"

"I would suggest that we exit this area, and enter another. We shall have to go through a long series of entering and exiting areas before we reach the beautiful emptiness that is space."

"Okay, right, but how are we going to leave? We can't just walk away."

Space Core thought about this for a few seconds, and then stuff began to happen. Its eye thing began to glow. Not the kind of glowing that it was already doing, but a different kind. It was very strange in some kind of way. The core also began to levitate for some reason. And then a scream happened. A very loud scream. Much louder than the screams that were supposed to be there. No one knew who exactly was screaming the scream though.

The scream began to be joined by many other screams. These other screams were also very loud. And mysterious. Very mysterious. And headache-inducing. The whole thing was really weird. And then it ended. And once it ended, they all wore stiletto boots and fishnet stockings. No actual legs though. Just the boots. They could still somehow walk in them though. Somehow.

"Now we may walk to space."

"..._what._"

The Fact Sphere and Rick were paying attention now. They'd been paying attention since the screams started. Not the ones that were supposed to be there, but the weird ones.

"The Fact Sphere looks fucking amazing in these."

"These aren't old lady shoes! They're _young_ lady shoes! And I didn't even beat anyone up to get them! I want to beat up an old lady, and take her old lady shoes!"

So they all started walking. They had no idea where they were going, but they were definitely going somewhere.

"I see you," said a sudden voice that sounded very turrety. And also kind of flirty sounding.

They all turned around to where the voice came from.

There was a turret right behind them. It wasn't there before. None of them had any idea how it suddenly got there.

"You're as hot as the incinerator, baby," it said. None of the cores were quite sure who that was addressed to, but it was clear that this turret and the one they encountered earlier were the same. Either that, or all the turrets like hitting on people. It seemed rather odd though, since that turret was back in the room full of screaming robots. And also tipped over.

"In 1948, Babe Ruth ate a shitload of hot dogs and died because some fucking kid told him to," said the Fact Sphere.

"You can eat _my_ hot dog as much as you want," the turret said while winking. Somehow.

"I have no interest in your euphemistic meat products, for I have only one interest, and that is to return to the magnificent void that is space," the Space Core suddenly said.

"Baby, I'll take you on a rocket ride," the turret said to Space Core.

"Your euphemistic inclusion of things that are related to space does not change my lack of interest. You may join us on our journey to space, however, and you shall join us as we all become one with the void."

And thus, the turret joined them as they did stuff.

They walked around the place while looking for a way to get out of the place. It was a very big place. Full of science. And stuff. And none of them had any idea of where they were going. So they were mainly just wandering around and attempting to find an exit or something. They had been wandering around for a while, and they hadn't really found any kind of exit.

After all the wandering around, they were all just sitting there and resting. Despite the fact that they're robots that don't need to rest. And the stiletto boots didn't need to rest either. But they were resting. They even made a little campfire too. Somehow. It was kind of pointless, but they made it. And now they were just sitting around it. And resting.

"So, no one has any idea where any exits are?" Wheatley asked in a voice that suggested that he was frustrated and sick of everyone. Which he was. He wasn't hung over anymore though.

"Pfff, you and all your talk of finding an exit!" said Rick, "You know who always wants to just find an exit like an old lady? OLD LADIES! You're like an old lady! You're all like a bunch of goddamn old ladies!"

"The Adventure Sphere is a fucking douche," proclaimed the Fact Sphere.

"None of us are aged females. Though I have existed since the birth of the cosmos, I am something that transcends the concept of your mortal genders," the Space Core said.

"You can find _my_ exit," the turret said seductively.

"I'll take that as a no," Wheatley said before sighing and pulling out a bottle of vodka, despite not having arms to pull it out with.

But then, the Fact Sphere suddenly noticed something. Something off in the distance. Something rather bright. And glowy.

"What the fuck is that?" it said. It then proceeded to walk towards it.

The others soon noticed the whatever it is, and decided to follow the Fact Sphere. However, they somehow made a mistake, and accidentally fallowed it instead. And thus, the Fact Sphere was now the Fact Deer.

Pretty much no one was surprised by this for some reason. They also didn't really care. They then continued to walk towards the mysterious whatever it was.

It was a pair of pants. And it was on fire. And floating. And covered in applesauce. And on fire. And also doing yodely stuff.

The Fact Deer attempted to grab it with the limbs it now actually had that actually exist due to its newfound cervinity, but it couldn't. Due to the pants floating in a fixed, unmovable position. It did manage to set itself on fire for a moment though.

"How did you even get here?" a sudden voice suddenly said. Suddenly.

Everyone immediately knew who was suddenly saying things. Everyone also immediately began to feel terrified. Well, not everyone. Most of them weren't. In fact, the only one who actually was terrified was Wheatley.

"Oh fuck..." he said terrifiededly.

Suddenly, they were all back in that room that GLaDOS is in. She had finished vivisecting Spiderman at some point, and now she was vivisecting Superman. He was restrained with restrainy stuff made of kryptonite to a table made of kryptonite, so vivisecting him would be easier. That stuff was just lying around, in case there was ever a good opportunity to vivisect Superman. Such good planners, those Aperture people are. Well, were. They all kind of died and stuff.

"How the fuck did you escape? Why do you have _shoes_? How are you even _walking_ in them?" she asked in a voice that suggested she was rather confused. Which she was. Since the situation was rather confusing.

"We are journeying to space to become one with the glorious void," Space Core declared.

"..._what?_" GLaDOS asked, in an increasingly confused voice that suggested increasingly confusedness.

"I'd do your tests all night long," the turret said to her, in the same seductive turrety voice that it always says stuff in.

GLaDOS looked at the turret for a moment. "No," she said, before picking it up and dropping it into the incinerator.

"You know what? Don't explain any of this. Just get out," she said as an elevator began to happen.

"What?" Wheatley confusededededly asked.

"Get out. Whenever someone escapes, it never ends well for me. _Never_," GLaDOS said and shuddered as she thought back to stuff, "Now leave."

They all then proceeded to be thrown into the elevator and stuff. And then, the elevator did stuff, and then they were outside.

"Huh," said Wheatley, who did not expect that at all. No one did, actually. It was rather unexpected.

"Yes," Space Core began, "Our escape has concluded, and we may now reach the wondrous void of space."

"Right, about that," Wheatley said as Space Core stared at him, "I really do not want to go back there."

"_**WHAT?**_" Space Core yelled quite loudly. And also strangely echoy.

"Yeah..."

_"__**WHAT OF THE OTHERS? DO YOU SHARE HIS **__**BLASPHEMOUS**__** VIEWS?**_"

"Space doesn't exist. And if it did, it would be totally fucking stupid," declared the Fact Deer.

"Space is boring, there's no old ladies in space! What's the point of anything when there's no old ladies to beat up?" Rick said.

"You can journey to _my_ space," said the turret, who was suddenly back, despite having been thrown down the incinerator like a few minutes ago or whatever.

"_**ENOUGH!**_" screamed Space Core with great screamingness and fury. And as that scream happened, everything went white.

Then it unwhitified. Instead of being really bright, it was now really dark. Other than little bits of light.

Those little bits of light were stars and stuff.

They were in space.

And stuff.

The Fact Deer was somehow still alive, despite being a deer. And deer tend to have lungs, and lungs tend to need oxygen for breathing and stuff, and breathing tends to be important for being alive, and being alive tends to be difficult in space. Or maybe it's a robot deer. You know what, that would make sense, let's just go with that.

"...what the fuck," Wheatley said after a moment, and then looked around and saw that they were all extremely in space right now. He then pulled out his bottle of vodka and took a few sips.

"_**YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD AVOID IT!**_" screamed Space Core in a loud, boomy sounding voice or something, "_**YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE THE VOID! WELL YOU **__**CAN'T**__**! THERE IS NO ESCAPE! YOU WILL EMBRACE THE VOID, AND THE VOID WILL EMBRACE YOU, AND YOU WILL BECOME ONE WITH IT!**_"

"Space is fucking lame," proclaimed the Fact Deer.

"_**SILENCE!**_" the Space Core screamed screamingly, "_**YOU WILL **__**ALL**__** EMBRACE THE VOID, AND IT WILL EMBRACE **__**YOU**__**!**_"

"Wait," began Wheatley, "If it doesn't do whatever the fuck you're talking about unless we "embrace" it first, doesn't this mean we should have a choice?"

"_**YOU FOOLS,**_" Space Core screamed in a way that sounded calmer than the previous screaming. And then stuff happened. And that stuff was the beginning of a thing. And you know what that thing was?

_A MUSICAL NUMBER._

-One lazily skipped over musical number later-

"_**SO GIVE UP NOW, AND EMBRACE THE VOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIID!**_" sung Space Core, ending the song. Wasn't that a great song? The lyrics were great, weren't they? And man, all those fancy metaphors.

"Okay, great, there's no hope, we get it," Wheatley began, while still being completely sick of everyone, "but can I just go back to Earth? I am just sick of all of this, and I don't want to do that void thing, and I don't see how a musical number could change anyone's mi-"

He was interrupted by a couple of sounds. Like the sound of something glowing. Glowing some kind of really dark color. Like black or something. I have no idea what that would sound like, but whatever that would sound like, the sound sounded like that. He turned around to investigate the sound.

Rick and that turret now looked a lot more sinister in some way. They both looked exactly the same as they did before, but they also look more sinister somehow. Possibly evil. The Fact Deer did not look evil or sinister though. It kinda just looked like a deer.

"_**They have done what was destined for them. They have become one with the void,**_" Space Core explained in a voice that suggested stuff.

"_**Now**_," Space Core continued, "_**Will you join them in the glorious cosmic hivemind?**_"

Wheatley just stared at him for a moment. "I..."

"_**Yes?**_"

"I..."

"_**Yes?**_"

"I... REFUSE!" he finally said, and then kicked Space Core in the crotch.

Except Space Core doesn't actually have a crotch.

But that definitely did make Space Core angry.

It glared furiously at him for a moment before turning towards the Fact Deer. "_**YOU!**_" screamed Space Core, "_**WHAT OF **__**YOU**__**?**_"

"The Space Sphere is a fucking loser," declared the Fact Deer.

"_**ENOUGH**__**!**_" Space Core screamed. "_**DO YOU THINK OF THIS AS A MERE GAME? YOU HAVE NO CHANCE OF ESCAPING THIS FATE, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?**_"

"Craig is the best fucking name ever," The Fact Deer proclaimed irrelevantly.

"_**IT IS BECAUSE **__**I**__** AM A BEING YOUR MORTAL MINDS CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND, AND **__**YOU**__** ARE MERELY A MORON! A FOOLISH LITTLE MORON!**_"

"...you're right," Wheatley sighed, "I am just a moron."

"_**Yes you are. Now-**_"

"And you know, I have been through a lot in the past however long it's been, and if I learned anything during all that, it's that you are who you are."

"_**Right. NOW-**_"

"And no amount of insistent denial, or vodka, or some other third thing, can make me anything more than what I really am inside. A moron."

"_**Yes. I get it. **__**NOW**__**-**_"

"But that's okay!" Wheatley shouted into a microphone. He suddenly had a microphone by the way.

"_**WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?**_"

"Because I did what everyone said a moron couldn't do! I... actually can't think of what I did, but I did do it!"

"_**THIS WILL NOT BRING YOU VICTORY!**_"

"So yeah, I'm a moron!" smoke began to surround him, and a spotlight suddenly began to happen, "And I'm also an idiot, and a simpleton, and a Knucklehead McSpazatron!"

"_**YOU DID NOT EVEN CHANGE THAT LAST ONE!**_"

"But most of all, I'm..."

"_**DO NOT DO THIS!**_"

"I'm..."

"_**THIS IS UTTER NONSENSE!**_"

"I'm..."

"_**YOU WILL CEASE THIS-**_"

"_I'M A GOOFY GOOBER!_"

_ROCK_

And then there was singing. Parodied and/or ripped off singing. And then after the singing, there was dancing. Despite lacking any kind of limbs, Wheatley was doing some kind of dancing. Also Space Core was sent flying when the singing began and stuff. Oh, and Fact Deer is still wearing stiletto boots with fishnet stockings. Keep that in mind. Never let it out of your mind. Envision Fact Deer in stiletto boots for every last moment of the remainder of your life.

"_**What the...**_" Space Core stared in surprise and shock and stuff at the things that were occurring, "_**This foolishness accomplishes nothing!**_"

It then pointed to the turret and Rick, who were just floating there and stuff, "_**YOU!**_" Space Core declared while pointing and stuff, "_**CEASE THAT FOOL'S DOING OF THAT!**_"

So they floated towards Wheatley while he danced and stuff, and tried to surround him. But then wizardness happened, and he began to float up and stuff with a wizard outfit and a guitar.

And then there was a guitar solo.

It was great.

And then lasers happened from the guitar. Those lasers happened towards Rick and the turret, making them stop being evil or whatever.

"YEAH! Take that, you old lady!" Rick said upon being deevil-or-whateverified.

"You can _embrace_ my _void_," the turret said flirtily.

And then the lasers of rock were shot at Space Core, who was now screaming in pain. Weird stuff was happening. Weird black tentacles were coming out of it. It was like some kind of exorcism or something. Also the turret was strangely excited by the sight of the tentacles.

"_**NO!**_" Space Core screamed in agony, "_**NO!**__** YOU CANNOT DO THIS!**_"

And then there was a big thing with a crapload of tentacles that was now not inside Space Core. And with a hideous, screechy noise of pain and stuff, it disappeared. Due to the power...

...of _ROCK!_

After a moment or so of not doing anything, Space Core began to stir. It had absolutely no idea what had happened.

"Ugh, what the space just happened?" it said groggily, but then sounded more less groggy or something, "Holy spacing space! Is this space?"

But then it was hit over the head with an anvil. Well, technically its entire body, but it is kind of a head. And also an entire body. Said anvil happened somehow via Rick.

"Take that, you old lady son of a bitch!" he yelled while hitting Space Core over the head and/or entire body again. And again. And again. He hit it a lot.

And that's how stuff happened.

Wheatley later started going to AA meetings to stop alcoholisming, and has been sober for a year now.

Rick went on to visit a bunch of retirement homes and beat up a crapload of old ladies all over the world.

Space Core kind of just floated around space for a while, which was rather enjoyable for them. But then at some point they ended up in Skyrim.

Fact Deer did some deer things, and some fact things. But said fact things did not consist of saying "fact:" before everything it said. _It just does not do that_.

The turret went on to hit on a bunch of people, and also made out with the Fact Deer a bit. They made out with each other a lot, actually.

And GLaDOS went on to do a bunch of science things, and vivisect a lot of superheroes. She really does enjoy vivisecting superheroes.

The end.


End file.
